Never Smart Enough

It’s crazy, you know. To be smart, but feel dumb.

Growing up, I never felt smart enough. Except in those moments when someone else explicitly recognized my smartness. When I beat Brian (the other ‘smart kid’) on a test. When I was valedictorian. When I got an A, or a university acceptance letter, or a scholarship. In those moments, I was smart.

But in the moments in between, I felt small.

Who do you want to live with Chelsea? Your mom or your dad?

"You don’t know the answer!” said the chatter in my mind. “You don’t have the authority to have an opinion on that!”

Fast forward. To a time when I had 8 years of university education. And I got a job. And I worked with co-workers who had opinions on things. And STILL the chatter in my head whispered to me: “Be careful. Don’t share your opinion too directly. You don’t know what you’re talking about. And soon, everyone will know.”

Fast forward again. Now, I’ve worked in research for a decade.

Yet, there are STILL times when I feel unqualified to hold even the simplest of opinions. I have the urge to speak on on social media against the bombing of Palestinian hospitals… To hold a public position that bombing a building full of sick and dying civilians is unethical and awful. It should be simple to say that out loud… right?

No. Because the chatter consumes me. It whispers - like a chorus of 1000 harsh voices - who are YOU to hold that opinion? You don’t know enough.

In my coaching practice, I dream of running corporate coaching programs. You know - like getting hired by an HR department to deliver coaching to their employees. I have plenty of evidence that says I’m an effective coach. (Recently, a client told me that she had made more progress in a single session with me than in years of therapy.)

But still, the whispers… “A company will never hire you. You are a nobody. If you approach an HR department, they will think you are an unqualified loser.”

Slowly, I am learning that the whispers will come along with me.

I am learning to make space for them. I am learning to let them chatter, without letting them drive.

Heck, maybe I don’t even need to prove them wrong.

What if there WAS a chance that I’m not smart enough. What’s the worst that could happen?

I could try and fail? But then I would learn.

I could speak and be wrong? But then I would learn.

Maybe I can let myself not be smart enough, but be willing to go anyways.